The Student News Site of Gannon University since 1947


The Student News Site of Gannon University since 1947


The Student News Site of Gannon University since 1947


Tax day, broken arm combine in plan to help lonely

This Sunday was tax day. Wow, what an opening. I bet you’re super-excited for this column. I know I am. Anyway, because this Sunday was tax day, and because I’m a working adult – sort of – and because I took this personality test this one time – which pretty much proved that my procrastination is less of a bad habit, and more of feature of my personality I can’t control – I had to do my taxes. Actually, I didn’t end up doing them at all, but I really made the effort. I sat on the computer and typed stuff into Turbo Tax, but I was really slow because recently I broke my right arm.

My sister was helping me – make that, standing over me, breathing down my neck and gimpy right arm area, trying to get me to hurry up, because then we could both go back to watching “Downton Abbey” on DVD. Finally, she kicked me out of the way and did my taxes for me.

But she wanted me to be involved, because she’s my older sister, and wants me to be responsible for myself, or some nonsense like that. My job was to lie on the floor with my feet propped on the couch and I read the numbers off my W2 form for her.

It gave me a lot of opportunity for thinking and planning. So, when she jokingly asked me my marital status and I answered, “single…and ready to mingle,” in a slightly creepy voice, I was already primed for the great idea that came into my head from this interchange.

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The Tax People – the IRS, if you prefer – should set up a dating service. Not only do they already have most of your personal information, but they have a plethora of unrecognized ways to find your perfect match.

For example, maybe you give a lot to charity, so they find someone who is just as Red Cross friendly as you. Or, maybe they’ll go the more opposites-attract route, and pair you with a grade-A Grinch. Relationships studies that I can’t name, and haven’t read – but am now going to refer to – say it’s important that mates complement each other. So, it makes sense to pair the person who fights for every deduction with the person who just lollygags through their taxes, like, “Whatevs, Government, take all my money.”

And the dating service will greatly decrease failure to file or late filing, because there really is just a boat-load of sad, lonely Americans looking for love.

Honestly, this has to be one of the best ideas I’ve ever concocted. I can just see myself years from now, standing in front of an adoring crowd, giving a speech about how the trials I faced when I had a minor arm break led me to discover the path to happiness and love for so many people. You’re welcome, previously sad, lonely, un-loved Americans. You are welcome.



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