A new world leader has emerged. With his sunken cheeks, distinctively pointed nose and take-on-the-world eyebrows, Charlie Sheen is on a mission to restore order and separate the men from the “trolls.” But a man with such eloquence deserves his own soapbox. We at The Knight can’t possibly do him justice, and so we leave you, the reader, to learn about – and from – this modern day Henry David Thoreau.

The Knight: Where do you hail from, Mr. Sheen?

Charlie Sheen: “I’m…a total b——in’ rock star from Mars.”

K: Really? So people can live on Mars now?

C: “If you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. I’m different. I have a different constitution.”

K: Really? How so?

C: “I have a different brain.”

K:  Can you describe how your brain is different?

C: “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this b——-d!’”

K: That sounds dangerous.

C: “Because that’s how I roll.”

K: But how can one man contain such energy and power inside of himself? How can you take it?

C: “I got tiger blood, man.”

K: Tiger blood?

C: “It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh…this terrestrial realm.”

K: So this blood makes you stronger than other people?

C:  “I’m an F-18, bro, and I will destroy you in the air and deploy my ordnance to the ground.”

K: So, in other words, you would defeat any person who challenges you?

C: “I’m not a soft target…There’s a new sheriff in town. And he has an army of assassins.”

K: You have followers then?

C: “If you’re a part of my family, I will love you violently.”

Q. And if you’re not?

C: “You’re with the trolls”

K: But why would people want to follow you?

C: “Because I live a grandiose life.”

K: Grandiose? Is there any entertainer or historical figure that you can compare your grand lifestyle to?

C: “Sinatra, Flynn, Jagger, Richards, all of them look like droopy-eyed armless children. Thomas Jefferson…was a p—-y!”

K: That’s quite the statement. Some of those people were very influential.

C: “I’m tired of pretending I’m not special. People can’t figure me out, they can’t process me, I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with the normal brain.”

K: What kind of brain would you need?

C: “A 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old.”

K: That sounds complicated.

C: “For normal people, people that aren’t special.”

K: Some would argue those people are just sane, drug-free people. What do you say to them?

C: “I’m not bi-polar, I’m bi-winning. I win here and I win there.”

K: And you are substance free?

C: “The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning.”

K: So absolutely no drugs then?

C: “I’m on a drug.”

K: Oh?

C: “It’s called Charlie Sheen.”

The previous was a mock interview with Charlie Sheen, using a mash-up of quotes he has said over the last several weeks.

TESSY PAWLOWSKI

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