As women, so many expectations are set for us from adolescence forward, and sometimes we can get so caught up in these archetypes that we begin to lose ourselves.

The student. The mother. The athlete. The friend.

The partner.

Far too often, I see ladies, like myself, lose touch with all of the roles that make her who she is when she becomes a partner, especially when she is partners with a male.

We aim for the fairytale we see modeled in Disney princess movies, which typically end in a happily ever after, thanks only to the prince who saved the day. She makes her life revolve around his every move. She aims to become a student by learning everything about him: his every dimple, what makes him laugh so loud his forehead vein makes an appearance, what makes his soul whole.

She begins to care for him as deeply as a mother would care for her child, constantly worrying about his well-being, loving him unconditionally, as only a mother should. She puts in hard physical work to look the way she believes he wants her to, and she uses the same mental toughness she uses to run marathons to endure the relationship for the long haul. She becomes so devoted to caring for his needs that she won’t abandon him even when he neglects her needs, as a good friend does, because she cares about him more than she does about herself.

But what about her?

What happens to her studies? Does her devotion to his dreams overshadow her drive for her own? Do her grades begin to slip because she becomes distracted by his charm? By helping him reach his goals?

Does he not already have a mother? Why can’t she fall only into the partner role if this is the case? Why does she have to worry about him in every facet — his health, his career, his dreams, keeping him on track, sacrificing her own aspirations, as a mother would, for his sake?

While being an athlete does train the brain the quality of grit, if she is playing tennis alone, she is bound to fail. This also correlates to relationships. If the tennis opponent, or the partner, doesn’t reciprocate the same effort on the court, the game is bound to come to a quick end.

Who is going to care about her when he breaks her heart? Her life has become so consumed with him that she loses touch with friends just to spend time with him. Relationships come and go, but friends are forever.

The worst part is, a good female partner is expected to do this. By society, by family members, by the world.

This may not necessarily be her the partner’s fault. This is doubtlessly the fault of her society. For the longest time, women have been viewed as accessories to their man, as if they cannot be whole without his presence.

This is why, ladies, if you find yourself losing focus of your own life for the benefit of a partner, or even a friend, they are simply not worth it.

As women, we must first become whole on our own before we help someone else. We must be so firm in our own aspirations, dreams, goals and values, that we will not let anyone get in the way of these necessary boundaries we have set for ourselves. If a man, woman, friend, family member or mentor gets in the way of our goals for ourselves, it is safe to say they are not worth it.

However, as young women, I think the most important message to take away from a changing society that is deconstructing the patriarchy, is that we do not need a man to be whole. And if we find he is detracting from our value, or taking a piece of our pie, he is not worth it. 

ALI SMITH

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