Globes mark Oscar sprint

Best Acknowledgement of the 100-pound Guerrilla in the Room: Ricky Gervais.

The Globes are famous for wild card nominations – films with star power and bad reviews – because the Hollywood Foreign Press loves their celebrities. Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie of “The Tourist” received 2010’s honors, which Gervais immediately noted at the start of the show. “I’d like to crush this ridiculous rumor that the only reason ‘The Tourist’ was nominated was so that the foreign press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie,” he said. “That is not the only reason – they also accepted bribes.” Careful, Gervais, it’s dangerous to mess with Tyler Durden’s girl.

Longest Gum Chewing: Johnny Depp. Viewers were able to note his constant chomping because the camera would not leave him alone. Guys everywhere will run to buy a pack of Bubblicious as Depp makes even this valley girl vice look Carey Grant-cool.

Best Lip-Gloss Application: Angelina Jolie. The camera must also have been hoping for epic actions by Jolie, as it flashed to her as much as to Depp. The makeup aisle of stores everywhere should prepare for a massive onslaught of women trying to pick up a gloss similar to the one that’s good enough for Jolie’s prized and well-endowed lips.

Best Acceptance Speech: Chris Colfer. “Glee’s” Kurt Hummel seemed genuinely shocked when he won a Globe for best supporting actor for a television show. In his speech, he paid tribute to “Gleeks” who face bullies at school for being different.

Most Apologetic Acceptance Speech: Aaron Sorkin. He enjoyed eviscerating Mark Zuckerberg in “The Social Network” to the delight of the masses, but offered this post-game apology to his victim: “You turned out to be a great entrepreneur, a great visionary and an incredible altruist.”  

Best Movie Reference: Tim Allen. To co-presenter Tom Hanks he offered these venerated words: “You’re a sad, strange little man.”

Best Co-Presenters: Steve Carrel and Tina Fey. “Date Night” didn’t thrill reviewers, but Carrel and Fey are two NBC studs whose self-deprecating humor and quirky charm have mass appeal.

Worst Co-Presenters: Alec Baldwin and Jennifer Lopez.

Baldwin was funny, but Lopez’s attempts to riff along with him were awkward. When she said she would have to judge Baldwin for his singing, it was hard to decide between a “don’t throw stones when you live in a glass house” reference, or to wonder why Lopez feels the need to advertise all her endeavors ad nauseum.

Most Random Attendee: Justin Bieber.

Do that many 9-year-olds watch the Golden Globes?

Most Noticeably Absent Celebrity: George Clooney.

He has as much star power as “the tourists” to get a table on some trumped-up nomination, but the judges must have decided replacing his suit-styling suaveness with Jon Hamm would be easier.

Employees of the Night: Golden Globe security guards.

Helen Mirren’s necklace alone cost $1.6 million. The sheer amount of money in that room contained in the baubles of lovely ladies would make any jewel thief salivate.

Best Food Reference: Paul Giamatti.

The biggest Golden Globe mystery is the absence of the food constantly talked of. But it must exist because Giamatti gave it a shout out during his speech: “I’m a little jacked up because I ate five boxes of the free Godiva chocolates,” he said.

Best Joaquin Phoenix Imitation: Christian Bale. Seriously, Bale, don’t you know that when a heartthrob wins an acting honor, it is his duty to look good for a viewing audience who has to put up with a lot of acclaimed ugly ducklings?

TESSY PAWLOWSKI

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