Lack of substance plagues inconspicuous columnist

I’ve sat down at least four times over the past couple of days trying to write this column, but to no avail.

Too many times in my life I’ve known what I wanted to say, but I just didn’t have the gumption to put it in words.

But however common it may be for me, writer’s block is not the source of the problem here.

No, the problem now is that there’s nothing to write about. It’s really difficult being a regular columnist when – let’s be honest – column-worthy things don’t happen to me.

It’s somewhat of a regular joke for me that one day I would write a column about having nothing to write about. Ladies and gentlemen, that day has come.

I have officially run out of topics.

I tend to just glide – well, more like limp – through life without making too much of a mark. It’s part of my theory that if you don’t treat life like crap, it won’t rain too hard on your parade.

I don’t think that theory’s true, but I’m still here, so it must be working at least a little bit.

I guess I could write a column about that theory, but I think those two sentences summed it up pretty well. I wouldn’t want to go overboard with it.

I could write about how hard it is to work in retail this time of year, but I haven’t had any problems so far – everyone’s just as happy to be buying merchandise as I am to be selling it.

And that wasn’t a joke – I really like working in retail. So that’s out of the question.

I could write about my family, but I’ve avoided it for this long – why start now?

I could write about my dogs, or the fact that I’m listening to Christmas music or even that I overslept for my 8 o’clock class for the first time today.

But if I don’t feel like I should even attempt to fill this 600-word space with that nonsense, then I’m sure you wouldn’t want to be reading it.

You probably don’t particularly want to be reading this, either. Sorry.

You might as well jump the ship now – it’s not getting any better than this.

Another big problem I have when it comes to column writing is that I’m not much of an opinionated person.

I tend to look at situations logically in light of many different circumstances and points of view, which makes having opinions really difficult. So that topic’s not going to work.

I had considered writing about my Thanksgiving break, but what is there to write about, really?

I ate some turkey and watched “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” for the first time in my life. The end.

I don’t have one of those crazy families that gets together in massive quantities on Turkey Day only to break out in deafening arguments and end in many a slammed door.

Well, actually, I do. But since those things happened a couple years ago, the extended family wasn’t invited back.

Now I have officially succeeded in writing about my family. I think it’s time to wrap up.

If you made it this far, bless you. I sincerely hope you find something much more valuable to read today.

 

KELLY MORELAND

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