Editor offers suggestions for SGA campaigning

The Student Government elections are significant this year because they fall at the same time as the Republican primary elections for the president of the United States.

Actually, given that presidential elections are a never-ending cycle of whispered potential candidates, media vetting and destruction of those candidates when they come forward, primaries, general elections, inaugurations, and repeat, it’s not all that significant. But, hey, at least there is some actual electing going on right now. Glass half full, folks.

Anyway, in honor of the shared shenanigans of SGA and the USA, I think it’s time we re-evaluate the process of the former. I find SGA elections utterly flawed compared to those on the national scene, and I have some recommendations for improvements.

First off, there is a serious lack of attack advertisements in SGA campaigns. Attack ads are the lifeblood of campaigns. They’re like reading gossip magazines, but with more conspiracy theories. We must have them at Gannon, which is why I will be producing my own series of them. However, since it seems awfully spiteful to attack the candidates, I will make attack ads targeting unrelated things. I don’t think it will matter, as presidential attack ads are mainly a showcase for menacing voices and red lettering on a black background. I don’t usually remember who they’re even about.

My first attack ad will be aimed at the three statues that sit on the benches outside Waldron Campus Center. Not only do they take up valuable sitting space, but they are extremely rude. They just stare at you when you try to make conversation with them, not to mention that they simply refuse to update their archaic apparel. That girl has a serious case of Mom jeans.

In my second act to improve the elections, I will be forming parties. I believe SGA would benefit from the collaborative nature we all know parties have created.

I believe the Whig party and the Bull Moose Party would be the perfect names for the two sides. Not only are they historical, but they have good and different platforms. Actually, I have no idea if that’s true, as I don’t remember high school history all that well, and I’m too lazy for Wikipedia today. But they do sound awesome, don’t you think?

Anyway, platform is irrelevant. It’s clear what these parties stand for. In spite of its misspelling, I believe the Whig Party’s main goal will be to bring back the large, top-heavy fake hair of days gone by. And if massive headaches and early graying aren’t your things, you can vote for the Bull Moose party.

Just like any good party, you never know what you might get with the Bull Moose people. One day they’re as goofy and patient as a moose, and the next day you definitely won’t want to take them to a China shop.

I, myself, will be registering Whig. In fact, I’ve already picked out a Founding Fathers wig that I think will look quite stately on me.

 

TESSY PAWLOWSKI

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