Angelina Jolie’s right leg caused quite a stir at the Oscars two weeks ago, when it stealthily wandered out of her dress to show off in all its pin-thin glory.
That leg really blew up on the old Inter-web about two seconds after it happened, which means it’s ancient history now. But, I can still talk about it because The Knight staff didn’t hear about it until yesterday. See, every week a high-profile, top-secret source named George comes to our meeting to keep us informed about the world, so we can give you an accurate, up-to-date newspaper. George gets his information from his next-door neighbor, Mildred, during their daily gossip sessions while they edge their lawns. Mildred, in turn, gets it from her cats, who get it from the Internet.
I don’t know why everyone was knocking Angie’s leg so much. If I was that leg, I would rock myself. I bet it spent months on the treadmill and only ate broccoli to prepare for its big debut. The other leg probably just sat around on the couch watching chick-flicks and eating pints of Ben & Jerry’s. A lot of people have been saying Angie’s antics were kind of pretentious, but I think, just like the lazy left leg, those people are just bitter and jealous. In fact, if you ever make the slightest criticism of a woman who is generally considered gorgeous, you’re bitter and jealous.
However, an exception must be made for those people who hate Angie’s gamming-it-up because they think she was copying Jennifer Aniston, who struck a similar pose in a black dress about 40 years ago. As those people are protecting America’s Sweetheart, they can’t be bitter and jealous.
In fact, you might as well add copy-cat to Jolie’s list of crimes against Jen. The heftiest charge on the list is, of course, that of home wrecker. I know Angie’s never coming near my house. She’d just wreak havoc on my fine china. She can do whatever she wants to my great china, or my just OK china, but she better keep her grimy paws off my fine china.
But, mostly, I can’t believe people even care about Angie and her leg. There are more important things going on – like wars, and elections and The Real Housewives of Insert Big City.
Oh, it’s different for me. I had to write about this. How would people know that there are more important things going on if I didn’t tell them? In fact, to show how above all this hooey I am, I recently chopped off my own legs. I miss them a little, but what’s walking compared to making a statement about the frivolous nature of today’s society?
Good thing I still have my fingers, though. I can continue to scroll through comments people post about Angelina Jolie’s leg, and delight in how much better I am than them because I would never post a comment on a silly thread. Maybe I did once. But, that guy needed to hear it. He was an idiot.
