Republican candidates make case that George Orwell meant 2012, not 1984

There are plenty of things on this earth that I don’t understand; like the female thought process or how they actually get the fortune inside the cookie. But why the Republicans want any one of their current crop of candidates to earn their nomination takes the cake.

The reasoning behind selecting one of these sweater-vest-wearing, open-marriage-supporting, life-long-politicking, crazy-idea-conjuring candidates makes less than sense than a Rick Perry explanation.

Turning on the news and watching these bozos spend the hard-earned money of many Americans to destroy each other’s reputation, knowing that in a few months they’ll be playing nice again, is enough to make a guy want to bang his head off of a wall.

But knowing that all this infighting and bickering only gets to decide who loses to President Barack Obama in November makes it even more sickening.

My confidence in the result of the 2012 Presidential Election is off the charts – assuming that we Americans have at least a Kim-Kardashian common sense level left.

Each candidate provides an example of doublethink that George Orwell couldn’t write even if he was given until 1984 to think of it.

Newt Gingrich is going to prove the sanctity of marriage is stronger than ever – by keeping gays from tying the knot and continuing to divorce women until he proves it’s not that big of a detriment after all.

However, that’s not as bold as his plan to save the United States economy, which involves creating a lunar colony by the end of his second term.

Mitt Romney dislikes Obama so much that he’s going to provide a health care plan just like his if he gets elected. It’s an option so conservative that it actually wraps around the political spectrum and lands right next to the president’s.

He’ll deter illegal immigration by continuing to allow his landscaping company to hire illegal aliens and work them long hours for little pay.

Rick Santorum, who hated getting beat up on the playground so much that he cringes at the mention of Congressional recess, promises to fight for your freedom by completely limiting everyone else’s.

He’ll protect your religious freedom as long as you’re choosing between becoming a Lutheran or Protestant.

Ron Paul would reduce gun violence and protect your second amendment by repealing the Brady Bill, which forces firearm purchasers to undergo a background check.

His plan would also reduce friendly chit-chat. You’ll think twice about saying something to the schizophrenic sitting in front of you in economics class because you’re not sure whether he’s reaching in his coat pocket every five minutes to feel his Glock or Pez dispenser.

So after reviewing all the candidates and their Orwellian positions, do you still think the Jacksons are the most dysfunctional family in America?

Just remember before you cast your ballot during the primary, that a vote for any of these clowns is a vote for second place come November.

Maybe I’ll find that wisdom the next time I open my fortune cookie.


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