Graduation highlights indecisiveness

I know graduation is not the end of the world unless, of course, the world ends on May 5 – in which case, I will be wrong.

But I don’t really subscribe to the notion that because the economy is horrible, I will never get a job, and be forced to live out my days as an independently wealthy person without the money.

It may be wishful thinking on my part, but a lot of people around my age have jobs, even if it’s not what they really want. And I’m pretty sure that I can survive anything in my early 20s. I mean I’m not subscribing to that because-I’m-young-I-can-go-hug-that-bear-over-there-invincibiltiy mentality, but I’m pretty sure life can throw me a whole bunch of lemons and I’ll survive. Plus, then I can start a lemonade stand, and that’s a job.

I think the worst-case scenario for me – and I’m going to take a risk here and say any of us – is that I don’t find a job right away and live at home for a little bit. It’s not like my mom is going to let me sit around and do nothing, but I’m not totally alone in the world, and I don’t think any of us are. Of course, if you are that person, the next time you see me you can smack me in the face and steal my backpack.

It’s got a lot of random papers in it, if you’re into that sort of thing.

I guess the one reason the growing up thing scares me is that I will have to make decisions. I’m the youngest of seven, which means things like: when I’m on family vacations I get forced into a car and I really have no idea what’s going on for the next several days. I just do whatever anybody else does.

I pretty much know what I have to do after I graduate. I figure I’ll apply to some newspaper or online news thing or something. I haven’t gotten around to it, but I’m going to do that soon. But still, getting a job seems like the first time I’m actually going to be making a proactive decision, and that’s scary. Once I start making decisions about a job, I’ll probably start to make decisions about a lot of things. I’ll probably start to figure out who I am more, and best-case scenario I will be living somewhere that’s not Erie and I’ll become sort of established there.

I’ve kind of floated during college. I go to class, I do other stuff, but I don’t really have to deal with major things. Sometimes, it’s just a lot of going through the motions. I know it’s not that way for everyone, but it’s that way for me.

As much as I think it’s about time that I fill my own shoes, I’m kind of scared of where that might lead me.


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