Toothpaste and pet serve as cornerstone of exciting life

Some people lead such crazy lives. They get up, and brush their teeth with bottles of Jack Daniels and when they leave for the night, they don’t come back until the next morning.

That’s pretty much how I roll. Take this morning for example: I thought about going the whole Jack-on-toothbrush route, but since that stuff doesn’t have the solid construction of toothpaste, it won’t properly stay on the toothbrush. It’s just kind of like brushing my teeth with a toothbrush that tastes faintly of alcohol. And that just seems kind of unsanitary, to be honest. But I still wanted to go hardcore, so I found this really spicy red toothpaste in my closet and used that. Man, that stuff burned.

Of course, this morning was so crazy I almost didn’t have time to brush my teeth. Don’t tell my dentist that. He’d try to make me go to teeth-rehab.

See, I heard my cell phone alarm go off, and I just decided to deal with a painful 20 seconds of the Verizon tone, until it resigned itself to its lazy owner, shut up, and prepared to ring again in five minutes. I mean, I would have gone and shut it off myself and crawled back into bed – until it rang again in five minutes – but I couldn’t get up even for that. Last night was nuts. I was up until like 1 a.m. watching reruns of “The Office.” I drank like two glasses of caffeinated tea. Oh, what a night.

My dog, Spot, is really hardcore, too. He’s a bread-box sized, white terrier-and-something-else-mutt. I would say he could take anyone in a fight, but people these days get in serious trouble for condoning dog fights. Plus, he would be more likely to overpower a cat. But not just any cat. Actually, there’s only a very select few he would bother to take on, as he’s afraid of most cats.

One of his favorite things to do is to move blankets around on the floor to build a special nest for him to sit around in all day. As he writhes around on the floor, his eyes wild as he builds his den with focused determination, I’m reminded of someone snorting cocaine. I know what that’s like because I’ve seen it – in movies.

I remember how much my life changed after watching Johnny Depp’s character’s life – what’s his name? – be destroyed by the stuff in “Blow.” I mean, three years later I still well up just thinking about it. I was especially moved by the scene where he sneaks two suitcases of cocaine through the airport, and doesn’t get caught, or anything. Tragic.

I guess that’s why I never got into that stuff. That and I’m pretty much 100 percent sure that I’ve never seen cocaine in real life. But I have seen a lot of flour. Man, you can do some crazy stuff with flour. I say you, because I don’t cook.

Real badasses only microwave.


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