The best way to watch the BCS title game is not at all

In the spirit of The Onion…According to executive director Bill Hancock, the BCS power brokers are in utter disbelief that the nation’s numb-skulled, window-licking sports fans will tune in to watch the national championship game Jan. 9, 2012.

Hancock said that the BCS has long abandoned trying to select the most compelling national championship game and has instead focused on how many idiotic, nonsensical decisions it can make before being replaced by a better, more efficient playoff system.

“This was the final straw, we thought,” he said. “There was no way anyone could actually support us shoving a rematch of LSU and Alabama down everybody’s throat but we were wrong. God, these people are so dumb.”

Hancock said that after commentators and fans alike seemed “OK enough” with a split national championship in 2003 – the exact scenario that the BCS was created to avoid – they wanted to see how far they could actually push the envelope until sports fans woke up from their zombie-like state to actually consider how poor the current system is.

Exclusion of undefeated, deserving non-BCS schools, allowing completely secret, highly fallible algorithms into its system and its unwillingness to adopt any alterations were all part of the plan, Hancock said.

“We wanted to create a climate that reeked so much of mistrust and bureaucracy that any bozo could see through it,” he said. “But people still debate the national championship like they don’t know that it’s a bunch of baloney. It’s unbelievable, really.”

At least five unnamed BCS higher-ups “couldn’t care less” about what happens when people stop eating paste and wise up, having already made enough money off their quazi-Ponzi scheme.

“It feels like we’re the guy in the YouTube video that’s shinning a laser pointer at the wall and watching his dog beat its head in trying to get at it,” one unnamed source said. “And right now, we’re having too much fun playing with laser pointer to care about anything else.”

The idea for a rematch was flirted with in 2006 when people clamored for a title game between Michigan and Ohio State. However the BCS decided against it, hoping that the Wolverines and Buckeyes would win their bowl games by such a large margin that the mental midgets would be incensed there was no rematch.

“Florida and USC had to [expletive] that one up though,” Hancock said. “So we just decided to run with this whole ‘SEC-is-so-much-better-than-everyone-else’ thing for a few years.”

Choosing Alabama, instead of Oklahoma State – which won the Big 12 and boasts three victories over the BCS top-15 – or Boise State – which trounced Georgia in the season opener – was thought to be the last in a long line of injustices.

“I’m not sure what else we can do to show people how bogus this process is,” Hancock said. “I guess there is really no hope when you’re dealing with the same society that thought Sarah Palin was a serious choice for vice president.”

At press time, the BCS was deciding whether undefeated high school football teams in SEC territory should be given priority over Boise State in next year’s championship game.

ZACK MCDERMOTT

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