Oh, honey, you have such pretty hair. Those words coming from some puffy, white-haired lady at a hair salon is code for, “Tessy, run out the door before that crazy geezer can Britney Spears-scalp you and try to attach your hair to her head using a hot glue gun….”
Well, no, that’s never actually happened. But old ladies sure do get a kick out of a ginger. Occasionally, other people will, too.
And it’s nice to be around in this day and age when people don’t believe red hair is from the devil. However, I must own that not that all ginger myths can be de-bunked. For example, one perk of being a carrot-top is my magical powers.
That’s right, my non-flaming haired friends, all gingers have superhuman powers.
I know a lot of people probably have, “Are gingers magically gifted?” on a checklist of things to figure out before they die, right below: “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a lollipop?” You know, important stuff.
Of course, I’m sure the people wanting to know if redheads have magical powers, also want to know what they are.
I want to help all you hypothetically-curious-people-on-a-lifelong-search-for-truth find success; I do. But, it’s complicated. First, it’s impossible to give you a simple answer, as every ginger is gifted with a different ultra-human power.
And second, in my bid to tell the world the truth about gingers, I may have revealed too much. I may be punished. Yes, I’m almost positive at the next G.U. (Gingers United) meeting, I will be slandered for my slip up.
A slandered ginger is excommunicated from the organization, forced to dye his or her hair any other color and then loses his or her magical powers. Without ginger companions he or she goes through an awful period of loneliness, I’ve heard. No redhead will accept you, and people of every other hair color will remember your former carrot-top ways and shun you.
Eventually, though, the non-gingers forget that you were once a red head, and you are accepted into normal society, I’ve heard. But the gingers will never forgive you, and you will never be allowed back in the club. Redheads are notorious grudge-holders.
But it’s a path I may have chosen – nay, I did choose — in my heroic attempt to shed light on a group of people who have remained a mystery for so long. And, I think we can all agree they would benefit from some light, at least of the sun variety.
I hope you’re all happy about what I gave up for you to know the truth. And, I wonder how I’ll get around when I can’t fly.
