Editor explores causes of disagreement between genders

We all know the reason men and women don’t see eye to eye is that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Clearly, this proves that women have it harder. I Googled Venus, because I wanted to make sure it was one of those gaseous planets, thus proving it would be more difficult to live on, thus proving women have harder lives than men. Turns out, I was dead wrong.

After being inundated by information on Venus, the goddess of love, and Gillette Venus razors – you know, the ones that had that Jewel song “Intuition” on the advertisement – I finally found a search leading me to information on the planet Venus (from Wikipedia, natch.).

Turns out, Venus is a terrestrial planet, like earth, meaning it’s made up of rocks. However, since it’s covered in volcanoes and has the strongest greenhouse effect of all planets, I still think Venus would be harder to live on than Mars.

In fact, living on Venus would be hell. I say that not from my own analysis, but because Wikipedia told me, “The surface of Venus is often said to resemble hell.”

This proves that my argument – Venus would be worse to live on then Mars, therefore women have it worse – is right.

Plus, billions of Martians would agree that Mars is the best place to set up a tight crib. Not that we humans know any Martians who could speak to their love for their planet. Or maybe we do.

Katy Perry has met E.T., an alien from a unspecified other planet, and there’s at least a chance he could be from Mars. Or maybe he knows something about what it’s like to live there.

Yes, I think I’ll just hop on a plane to Hollywood, and see if I can find her and have a chat with her about her friend. Maybe I can even meet him. Of course, my trip could be a total, complete bust if…

A) E.T. isn’t from Mars, and doesn’t know squat about quality of life there.

B) The subject of Katy Perry’s song “E.T.” is actually human and lover Russell Brand.

Of course, I could just skip the middle man, hop on a space shuttle to Mars and ask a male alien if it’s nice to live there.

And once I’m done with that, it will be a breeze to ship over to Venus and find out – after thorough inspection – that it’s a total dive, and that all the lady aliens living there are really depressed.

And then I’ll be able to prove – once and for all – that women have harder lives than men.

What? You think that’s too much work just to win an argument?

Hey, at least I have career goals.

TESSY PAWLOWSKI

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