I’m in a bad mood already.
I’m at the table, eating breakfast, which means it’s morning. And I loathe mornings like Paris Hilton loves herself.
So, I’m already in the mood to bite someone’s head off when I see the catalog sitting on the table.
I know it’s completely unfair, but it irks me that in a day and age when in five clicks and two minutes I can buy stuff online, people bother to fill out forms in catalogues and send them through snail mail.
But I wouldn’t be so irritated if this were just any old catalog. It’s one of those Oriental Trading catalogs – you know, the ones full of every random piece of junk you never knew you needed until now..
First there’s the chocolate fondue set.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably the sort of sensible person who thinks you only need to experience fondue at a wedding, or maybe a fancy dinner at a restaurant.
But I say, what’s wrong with wanting to come home to my own chocolate waterfall after a hard day’s work?
But maybe I spoke to soon. Because here is the absolute mother ship of all things utterly tasteless, useless and disturbing.
Two attractive models – a man and a woman – wearing sweaters with “D.A.D.D.” and “M.O.M.S.” printed across their chests.
What does the misspelling of “D.A.D.D.” stand for, you ask? How about “Dads Against Daughters Dating.”
Sure, every dad has a right to flash a gun in front of his teenage daughter’s hormonal, gangly love-interest to remind him to behave himself. But displaying those feelings proudly on a misspelled T-shirt crosses a line of creepy, protective fatherhood at which even Joe Simpson would balk.
And the Mom sweater is worse.
“M.O.M.S.” stands for “Mothers of Marvelous Sons.”
Well, at least Mom won’t have to protect her sons as blatantly as her husband. Every girl in her right mind will be scared off from the Momma’s Boy connotations that shirt implies.
Who even uses the word “Marvelous” anymore? I suppose, she was out with her friend the other day and they had this conversation:
“Oh, Georgiana, what a Mahhhhhh-velous day for a stroll in the park”
“Oh, yes, Beatrice, let’s just. But don’t forget your parasol, dahhh-ling.”
What, you say it’s unlikely that Georgiana even has a parasol?
You forget, this is an Oriental Trading woman.
She probably has two.
