Editor claims victory after trip to dentist

He’s standing about two inches away from my face and staring intently at me. I have the urge to laugh.

Don’t laugh, I think to myself. That would be horrible.

This is serious business. After all, this man intimately knows an important part of me.

My teeth, that is.

Going to the dentist is an odd experience.  Where am I supposed to stare while this middle-aged, masked dude stabs around in my mouth with dental knives? I choose to stare at the ceiling on this visit, but I can’t help thinking how strange it would be if I decided to stare into his eyes. Talk about intimate.

I’m very glad the talkative dental assistant is in here with us because I hear the song “Your Body is a Wonderland” playing on a radio in the background. I swear that song always comes on the radio in unfortunate settings.

Given my inability to talk it would be awkwardly  silent without the chatty assistant. But in the course of the conversation between the dentist and his assistant a subject is broached that I really want to participate in. Let me just lay the whole thing out for you:

Dentist: “I just rented that one Bradley Cooper movie. You know the guy from that Las Vegas movie?’

“The Hangover,” I think.

“The Hangover,” he says, a couple seconds later.

But here is where the real trouble starts:

Dentist: “Well this is the one where he takes this pill that makes him a genius.”

“Limitless,” I think.

Dental Assistant: “I rented that one. But I’m terrible with movie names.”

“LIMITLESS!” It’s “Limitless.” Man, you people are as bad with movie titles as my mom, I think, getting a tad annoyed.

Dentist: “Why can’t I think of it?”

At this point I feel paralyzed by my inability to speak. I know how Ariel felt when she traded her voice for legs with Ursula, and she had to jump through hoops to convince Prince Eric she was the singing girl who saved him.

Dude’s pretty thick. But then he’s also kind of a babe, so I get it.

Luckily for me, I don’t have to swim across the ocean, break up a wedding and puncture a giant sea witch to get my point across.

I just have to rinse out my mouth. For an added touch of drama, I clear my throat.

And then like I’m Abraham Lincoln giving the Gettysburg address, I boldly declare, “Limitless.”

They are obviously eternally grateful for my knowledge.

And, I enjoy the sweet taste of victory.

Or maybe that’s just my fresh, clean mouth.


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