It’s been said that the only two things that are guaranteed in life are death and taxes. Obviously Ben Franklin did not live in the Great Lakes region or else he would’ve known that snow in the first quarter of the year is the third.
We’ve been pretty lucky so far, but I know what’s coming. The long-range forecast predicts a longer winter this year that will last well through March. I’m just trying to figure out how I’m going to handle it when it gets here considering it’s already heavily on my mind.
Everyone here knows what it’s like walking to class, to lunch and dinner and to work in the winter. No matter what direction you’re walking in, the wind is blowing directly in your face, filling up the hood that was keeping your head warm until you walked out the door. Nice try.
Instead of a rain cloud following me around until April each year, it’s a whirling blizzard. My eyes water and my face numbs as a slew of cuss words escape my chapped lips first thing in the morning. Many days I would wish to never see an Erie winter and its subsequent snow again before world peace.
There was a story that went viral on the internet a few years ago about a North Dakota man that was “fed up with battling the elements” and took a flamethrower to the snow in his driveway because he did not “possess the willpower necessary to move four billion tons of white [expletive].”
I related to this man on a spiritual level. To my disappointment it turned out to be satire, but this man might as well have been me. I also tend to identify with the Heat Miser from “The Year Without a Santa Clause.”
I’ve lived in Rochester, N.Y., my entire life. It’s the third snowiest city in America and winter can be brutal. I’ve skidded into curbs on the way home from school days that should have been snow days.
I’ve been late for school and driven with my head out of the window Ace Ventura-style when the windshield would not defrost fast enough.
I’m pretty sure that if people from the South who haven’t seen snow before were to have multiple near-death experiences on their morning commute to work, they wouldn’t think it was so pretty anymore.
I’ve even given myself unofficial snow days and they’ve been some of the wisest decisions I’ve ever made. So what if I’ve also given myself some of these unofficial “snow days” on particularly sunny days at the end of May? That’s beside the point.
But there are all those fun activities to do in the winter, right? You know, all those fun things, like, sitting inside and watching movies and waiting for spring to come. Cabin fever is real, people; haven’t you ever seen “The Shining?” I never understood the appeal of skiing, snowboarding and frolicking in the snow.
I’m dreaming of a green Christmas. More like a beige, sand-colored Christmas. I’ll decorate my palm tree with string lights and ornaments and won’t feel any less in the spirit of the season. I’ll put my letter to Santa in a bottle and toss it into the sea every year after this.
Anyways, I hope everyone has an awesome holiday season, whether you like snow or not. Don’t be such a Scrooge like me. Be more like Tiny Tim. But I guess who’s to say snow didn’t even get the best of Tiny Tim some days.
KYLE JOSEPH
