Kyle

Oh, the places he’ll go — editor offers suggestion prior to departure

Apr 24 • Kyle Joseph, Opinion • 448

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The unfortunate truth is that I’m probably never going to see most of you people ever again. Hold the waterworks until you’ve finished reading through the paper so the ink doesn’t run, but anyway, that’s my send-off.
Rather than a cute goodbye that very few people would care to read, my swan song is instead dedicated to constructive criticism of the university and a general airing of grievances.
First of all, my friends and I have discussed this thoroughly, and we think that the Knight Watch van should be more like “Cash Cab.” And by that, we mean it should be completely and entirely like “Cash Cab.”
This is not to say that the service isn’t greatly appreciated; it is. But when I’m getting picked up at Big Bar after a late night out, I need to be entertained on the ride home. Some LED lights in the ceiling of the interior would go a long way as far as the ambiance is concerned, and the opportunity to win some cash playing trivia never hurt. In fact, I can’t believe I even have to ask for this. Work on it.
While we’re on the subject of personal finances, let me also tell you about a huge gripe I have regarding the vending machines around here. $1.10 for a candy bar? Why can’t it just be $1? Do you think I walk around with a roll of dimes every day?
I don’t, and nor do I want 90 cents in change rattling around in my pocket. I’m starving here. It’s tiring having to field questions from my mother about why I’m so skinny every time I’m home for break. This is an easy fix.
As far as “green space” goes, I think we could kill two birds with one stone. Potential students are often discouraged by the lack of a “campus feel” with Gannon being in the heart of downtown Erie, so if we could just buy the streets within Gannon’s perimeter, we can eliminate that.
Then, it’s as simple as moving the buildings around a bit to make room for a real quad or maybe an outdoor pool. Honestly, the Center for Advanced Engineering could probably fit on top of the Zurn Science Center, so let’s just move that damn thing. An extra courtyard. Voila.
Paying tribute to the now-defunct Antler’s Pub and serving beer at The Knight Club would also help with enrollment. A sports bar on campus? That’s cool.
As someone who has frequented the establishment between the hours of 1 a.m. and 3 a.m., I can say for sure that the lack of alcohol distribution has done very little to deter the immoral herd of inebriated loudmouths from barging in and disrupting my quiet meal anyway. Let’s stop the charade. Prohibition has been over for 85 years. Time to glub-glub at the Club.
Gannon also needs an elite secret society. If one already exists, consider me greatly offended, but I’ve recently read up on Yale’s secret societies like Skull and Bones and Scroll and Key and I think it would do wonders for our street cred. Maybe it could be called “Kskull and Kbones,” I don’t know. And no, the “k”s are not silent. Secret societies would certainly be a whole lot cooler than Greek life, but I suppose that’s not saying much. Ba-dum-tss.
Lastly, the weather. Good grief, the weather. Where do I start? I mean, snow in April? Come on. Change this.

KYLE JOSEPH
joseph013@knights.gannon.edu

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