If you’ve visited Krispy Kreme on Peach Street recently, you may have noticed that they are no longer giving out free doughnuts fresh off the conveyor belt when the Hot Light is on. Our local establishment, once freely running the greatest operation since Henry Ford’s assembly line, has succumbed to American capitalistic greed and gone corporate. Now, you get a cold, tiny doughnut hole.
Doughnut holes are the scraps. They’re akin to the crust of a slice of pizza. Maybe not even that, since the crust of the pizza is arguably the best part. Doughnut holes are more like government cheese compared to the real thing. I don’t need your patronizing handouts, Krispy Kreme. I need free delicacies in the form of glazed rings of doughy delight, all 360 degrees of it.
It surprised me, to say the least, considering Krispy Kreme has always been by the people, for the people. They are the only establishment I know of that willingly gives away its delicious secret for all to see. Give a man a doughnut, feed him for a day. But TEACH a man to MAKE a doughnut, feed him for life. Amen, brother. And sister — these pastries don’t discriminate.
Still, I’ve always just wanted my free doughnut. Wanted? I mean I’ve always deserved my free doughnut. And my expertise in the kitchen screeches to a halt at bowls of cereal and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, so let’s not pretend I’ll ever try to make my own doughnuts anyway.
After nearly two years of religiously visiting Krispy Kreme on Friday grocery runs with my grocery-running, free-doughnut-loving crew, this is what we get for our loyalty? I doughnut understand this decision.
I’m simply asking you to reconsider. Demand for free doughnuts is at an all-time high, Krispy Kreme. Any company that’s done its research on fundamental economic principles knows that this is the time to go all-in, to be opportunistic, to monopolize the free-doughnut market. Instead, you’ve put profits over intrinsic human rights. Shame on you.
If this does not change, I’m afraid that the warm glow of a neon sign that used to be a beacon representing all that is good and fair in this country will mean something different to me. Week after week, like a lighthouse leading a sailor to shore on the stormy seas, it’s led my stomach and sweet tooth to fulfillment, but now it leaves me to sleep with the fishes. Why? I will never know.
What I’m getting at is that maybe this free enterprise thing isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Laissez-faire? How about everyone just keeps their hands off my damn doughnuts. If corporate America wants to dismantle the American dream of life, liberty and the pursuit of free doughnuts, I can no longer support any political party that advocates for a continuation of capitalism in the United States.
I’m putting my money where my mouth is and will not make the celebratory, borderline-ritualistic drop-in to Krispy Kreme, Home of the Lame Doughnut Holes, any longer. They will continue to not receive a dime from me.
So, I hereby announce the inaugural Erie pro-free-doughnuts march that will take place on upper Peach this Friday afternoon.
Attendees are encouraged to wear red, carry their own homemade picket signs and most importantly bring megaphones. Please be prepared to circle the building 1847 times, in homage to the invention of the doughnut.